就要举行英语辩论赛了，大家帮个忙！

TodayIdidapart-timejobforBoramGroupNanchangbranchwithoneofmyclassmatesWang.

Indeedlyspeaking,itisajobthatcanmakesyoutiredeasily.However,itisnotboring.Onthecontrary,youcanlearnalotfromsuchaactionandexperinceeventhoughyoucannotmakemuchmoney.Forinstence,firstly,IbecamebravertocommunitewithstrangersbeacuseImustfindandguideconsummerwhowantstobuywhatweselltoourcount.Addingly,Ihavetheresponsebilitytointroduceourcommoditiestopotentialbuyerinordertomakethembelieveme,so,myspeakingskillhasbeenimprovedthroughthis.

Now,mybodyissotiredthatIdesiretogotobedimmediatly,but,IamsoexcittingthatIcannotgoasleepsoearlysponteniously.

Inshort,itisarewardingjobIenjoy.And,Iwillgetupearlytocontinueworking.

Well,well,well-wemeetagainMrPond.Firstly,Imustaddressapressing(erotic)matterthathasonlyrecentlybeenbroughttomyattention.Toalltherandomidiots,asIliketocallthemandyesthisdoesincludeyouSqueaky,Ithankyouforyouroffersofdates(that'sthemeetingofpeopledates,notthefoodthatyoueatdates-thoughtheywouldbeappreciatedaswell),skatesandg-strings(boywilltheycomeinhandyforlater...).However,Iwillnotbemakinganypublicappearancesoverthecomingmonth(unlessyou'reinLancasterofcourse)andsoyoumustdisspellanyideathatIwillbemeetingupwithyourandompeople.Keeponsendingyourphotosthough-howIlaughwhenIseesomeonedressedupintheirbirthdaysuit.Ohoho-tosser.Nowtotheaccusationsofmebeingfat-thankyouHolly!I'mNOTFAT!!!Benis...butI'mnot...ol'FATTYBEN!BENFATTYBEN!FATBENFAT!Butnotme.Infact,it'sRUDEtocallpeoplefat-isn'titfattyBen?Yesitis.SoSTOPIT!FattyBen.Thirdly,yesIamfit...noneedtotellmesugrplumwhateveryourfaceisdairy-fairy.Incidently,whywouldtherebeasugarplumfairy?Theanswerisinthequestion!

NowtomyOdetoJohnNettles.

Heisaman,awonderfulman.

RUBBERJOHNNY!

Hehasapricklynameandaprickly....

buthedoesn'ttellhisFONNY!

Whatamurder,awonderfulmurder

thatRUBBERJOHNNYsolved.

Hesolvedthemurder,thewonderfulmurder...

andevenhadtimeforacupofteeeeeeeeeea.

Butwhatashamehedrinkscoffeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

HisnameisJohnny,

RUBBERJOHNNY!

HelikeshismurdersinthePAAAAAARK

amongstotherthings

doesRubberJohnny

playwithFONNY.

ANDTHENTHEYSAID...

Jim'llFIXITFORYOU!

ANDYOUANDYOUANDYOU!

Hispricklynameandpricklybits

ohwhataprickhasJohnny.

JohnnyNettles,nettleyJohnny.

ButwherewastheroseinMidsomer?

Hehadasargeant

arandysargeant,thatrubberJohnnyhad.

Nonotinthatway(notinthatway).

HewasinBergerac,wasJohnnyNettles

andheplayedapricklything

butnotinthatway,didJohnnyNettlesliketoplayhisprick.

He's62,isJohnnyNettlesbuthelikestoplay

withyou.

Butnotinthatway,doesJohnnyNettlesget

tohaveascrew.

Helikesascrew,doesJohnnyNettles

ASCREWWITHDIRTYHUGH!

Ohhe'saman...

isJohnnyNettles.

HeplaysaBarn

abyindeed.

DoesJohnnyNettlesevermurder

thatfatmanwiththebeef?

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1月28日

Theincoherenceofcoherence

I'llnamethisone...Derek.

Sowhatisthisupdateinaidof?QuitefranklyFrank,Idon'tknow.Frank?WhothehellisFrank?Quitefrankly,Idon'tknow.Youdon'tknowFrank?EveryoneknowsFrank...quite...Frank.Well,quitefrankly,Idon'tcareaboutFrank.

Nowfirstly,letmeaddressthetwocomments(thoughitmaybemorethanthiswhenyougetroundtoreadingthiswonderfulpieceofliterature).Startingwithourveryownpaedophile,Squeaky.Idon'thaveacluewhatyou'reonabout?Rip-offs?You'reobviouslyimaginingit...nowgoandplaywithyourtoysinthesandpit.Incidently,howISyourBarbiedollthesedays?Iheardshewasgoingthroughthechange-oldsod.ThatremindsmeofournewCOMPETITION.Yes...youhavetonameSQUEAKY'SBARBIEDOLL.Answersonanon-suspiciousbrownbag(withnothingsuspiciousinit).InthewordsofEltonJohn,Iain'tgonnadie...actually,YOUARE!YOUSTUPIDBLOODYIDIOT!IDON'TCAREIFYOU'REGAYANDMARRIED(*sniggers*),YOU'RESTILLGONNABLOODYDIE!Arsehole.

Mustsaysomethingfunny.Mustsaysomethingfunny.Titmouse.There...myjobisdone.

Thesecondcomment-bytheLochNessMonster-is,quiteobviously,stupid.Afterall,thereisnosuchthingasaLoch!DUH!Infact,thewalloutsidemyhouseisfourfoothighandthat'sfunnybecausethereisn'tawalloutsidemyhouse.Oddno?Well(restassured)Iblameyou.Tosser.

Sowhathasbeenhappeninginthemad,mad,madworldofsomeonemad?Godknows.ButIdoknowwhathasbeenhappeninginMYworld...OHOHOHOHO...tit.Yes..Ihadanearlynightlastnight-4am...blameDaveforKNOCKINGONMYDOORAT3am!NOIDIDN'THAVEYOURSODDINGCHAIRBUTIWISHEDIDID!DAMNYOUDAVE!TheLawBallisnowlessthanaweekaway,needlesstosayIhaveacquiredsuitableattirefortheevent-mybirthdaysuit.Thatis...thesuitIhadformybirthday(andIdidn'tevenhaveasuitformybirthday)...notthatIamstupidtoturnuptosuchaprestigiouseventnaked.Actually,waitasecond,yesIam...yup.Nowthere'sanidea.Wellyou'dcertainlygetmarksfororiginality.Orinmycase,cockanality...

Thefirsttwoweekshaveflownby-perhapsbecauseI'vebeenenjoyingitsomuch,orperhapsbecauseyou'renotthere.Indeed,I'vedraggedmyselfawayfromLancastertwiceinthelasttwoweekstogotoFUSSBALLMATCHES.Birminghamv.Torquay,ManUnitedv.Blackburn.COMEONTHEUNITEDS!!!

So...that'saboutitreally.I'mboredtonight.It'saFridaynightandthereare3peopleleftinthecorridor-myselfincluded-andtheothertwoareworking!Bastards!Isaywewhipthem,possiblywitharhythmstick,possiblywithabrick.Eitherwilldo...nowSODOFFBITCH!

IthinkI'llclosethiswithsomeofmyownclassiclinesofthelastthreemonthsatLancaster:

HEWANTSSHAG!

I'llnamethisone.....Derek

WhereisX?

Whyisheshootingthatman?

WHAT'STHATMANDOING?,WhatmanRob?,THATMANOVERTHERE*followedbypointing*

That'showyoupackafreezer!OHYEAH!

*Thisisinreferencetohowmenarealwaysaskedtosmellperfumewhenbuyingand,inparticular,whenthepersonbehindthecountersaysDoyouwanttosmellit?*YesI'llsmellit,butwhatabouttheperfume?

RUMPYPUMPY!

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1月22日

HappyNewYear!

Look!Idon'tgiveafuckifit's22dayslate...HAPPYFUCKINGNEWYEAR!

AndMerryChristmastoo...

SoIarrivedhome,IdidsomestuffandthenIwentbacktoLancaster.Whatfun!SowhatishappeningbackhereinLancasterIhearyoucry(literally).WellDayOnewasgoodenough-talkinginthekitchenaboutporn(finebyme).Thenthereturnofwork-althoughthefirstweekofworkwasn't....BestnightoftheweekgoestoFriday-congratulationsFriday.IrememberedhowmuchI'dmissedtheSugarhouse,ChrisbeingpissedandGarethhuggingeveryoneinsightandalsohisconstantbumpingintopeople.NottomentionMatt'sgroovydancing,MyunkeeandfriendspeakinginalanguageIcouldn'tunderstand(IthinkitwasEnglish),ShambeingsoberlydrunkbutsoberandMikenotwantingtodance.ChrisastoundedallonFridaywithhisultra-fastdrinking-nosoonerhadhedownedaJDandCoke,hadhedrunkhalfapintofciderandthentheotherbitandthenhedecideditwouldbefuntotipitintomylager.Yes...don'tyoujustlovelagerandcidertogether...don'tmakemegiveitsrealname-it'stheforbiddenword.Unfortunately,ChrishadtoleaveearlywithMike(Chrishaddrunkfartooquicklyanddecideditwouldbegoodtobesickoutsidethetoiletdoor-Iwonderedwhythatwomanwascleaningsoviolentl).StayeduntiltheSugarfinishedthistime-goodstuff,goodset,gooddancing(Ithink),goodeverything...BUT!HOWDARETHEYPUTTHEPRICESUPBY10P!SLUTS!THELOTOFTHEM!

Sowhat'shappeningthisweek?Theansweris...Idon'tknow.Well...apartfromgoingtotheUnitedgameonWednesday...Idon'tknow!

Untilnexttime,haveasafejourneyandsodoffyourhatwepray.

Bitch.

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11月14日

STOPITNOW!

Wankers,allwankers

Hellochildren.TodayIhaveaharrowingstory.It'sabouttheFUCKINGPHONECOMPANYRINGINGMEUPEVERYFUCKINGHOUR!NO!IDON'TWANTYOURPHONE!I'VEGOTMYOWN!YESTHATISMYNAME!NOI'MNOT-OHFUCKOFF!SowhatcanItalkabout?Notmuch?You'vegotit!I'mgoingtotalkaboutnotmuch.Sogetyourpillowsreadybecauseit'sgoingtobeint...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.Wanker.

Actually,thisweekendwasquiteboring-especiallySundayaseveryonechosetostayintheirroomsandworkorsleep.Fridaynightwasn'ttoobadthough.AlittletriptoTheSugarhouseanditsAustinPowersthemenight(whichno-onebothereddoingincidently-andImeanNO-ONE).Thetributeband,SpyCandy,wereinteresting(shit)butstilltheywerebetterthanTheLIkenesswhothoughttheywerebeingcleverplayingthenewsongs-IWANTEDTHEOLDFUCKINGSONGSYOULONG-HAIRED,LEOTARDEDPILLOCK!

IthinkthatnowisthetimetointroducetheUnigang.Theywillbeappearinginvariousphotosthroughtouttheyear(Isuspect).Right-wehave(atthefarendofthecorridor)GaryfromManchesterandMattfromKent.NexttoGaryisChrisfromWokinghamandoppositeChrisisGarethfromYork.NexttoChrisisPatfromManchesterandoppositehimwasBenfromCheshirebuthe'smovedoutbecausehedidn'tlikeusorthenoise-k.n.o.b.NexttoPatisDavefromBlackpoolandoppositeDaveisMikefrom(nowthisiswheremymemoryfailsmebutIthinkitis)Bracknell.NexttoDaveismyself...andoppositemeisShamfromBradford.NexttomeisMyunkeefromKorea.Thatisit.I'mclosesttothekitchenandthetoilets!Theotherendcanhearwhenourdoorbellsarebeingpressedandgetpissedoff.Fortunately,mydoorbelldoesn'twork!Normally,wegooutonaFridaytothewonderfulSugarhouse(cheap,cheerfulandmostcertainlyfun)andgetafreebusback-ohyeah!However,somepeoplegohomeatweekendssoourtravellingcrewissomewhatdepleted.HonourablementionsmustgotoJonesy(afellowCountymemberandmemberofthedartsteam!WELOVEYOUCOUNTYWEDO!),CarolineandLaureninLonsdale(boooo-atleastthey'renotinCartmel),BecandBen-theHistoryseminarcrew,Mike(notthesameMike)-theLawseminarthingeywhatsitandtheMikeonmyfloorfordictatingtheUniverseasanArseholeseminar!

Sothereyouhaveit.Iprobablyhavepicturesofallofthem,Icanputthemupifneedsbe.ThisweekismepreparingfortwocourseworkassignmentsanddoingwhateverworkIcan.Thenattheweekend,I'mgoinghomeforthefirsttime!Lovelyjubbly!What'smore-Igettogotothewonderfulshowthatmyparentsstarin...isn'tthatfantastic?![Ed'sNote-thesarcasm]I'venevermetEdbeforebuthekeepsleavingmethesebloodynotes!

Onanothernote,thehockeyteamhavewontwogamesonthetrot-6-1and3-2(BEATINGKEELE!WOOOOOOOOOOO).ComeonLancaster!

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11月12日

Didyouthinkitwasover?

SayNOtoFanny

Wellhellothere!Longtimenosee-althoughthatreallyisquiteironicbecauseyoucan'tseemeanyway.Youstupididiot!SowherehaveIbeenallthistime?HaveIbeenheldcaptiveinaforeigncountry?Yes!HaveIbeenlazy?Yes!OrhaveIjustbeenatUniversity?No!Don'tbesostupid!Well,actually,IhavebeenatUniversity,IhavebeenlazyandIhavebeeninaforeigncountry-well,itISLancashireandthatisallbutaforeigncountry.Theyspeakinafunnylanguageandsmelluphere.

NowIhaveaskedeveryonewhattheythoughtaboutUniversitylifehassaidOhit'sbrilliant,it'sgreat,it'ssomuchfun,wedonowork,brilliant.WhilstIappreciatethatmostpeopledon'tknoweveryone,theymustrespectthatIdoknoweveryone-he'sacharmingfellow.SotobedifferentIamgoingtosaythatUnilifeisfuckingshite,it'scrap,it'ssoboringandALLwedoiswork-noI'mnotatOxfordorCambridge!Bastards!

Ona(slightly)moreseriousnote,Unilifeisactuallytreatingmewell.NotonlyhaveIgotsomegoodfriends(hencemylackofupdatingthisthing)butIalsodoalotofpissingabout(hencemylackofupdatingthisthing).Firstofall,letmepraisetheotherfloorsinCountyWestforbeingknobs-ittrulyiswar,well,Isaywarbuttwofloorshavecalmeddownnow.BFloorwe'recomingforyou...bytheway,didyouenjoythemilkbecausewelovedyoureggs.

WellIcannotreallybearsedtowritemuchmorebecauseI'vegotstufftodo-*cough*watchingSoccerSaturday.COMEONENGLAND!Bitofacrappyupdatereally,butIthoughtI'dbetterletallmyloyalfollowersknowthatI'maliveandwellandtheILoveTimewellFanClubisgettingnewmembersbytheday.

Bonjour

ThefollowingappearedinamemorandumfromthepresidentofMiraVistaCollegetothecollege'sboardoftrustees.

AtnearbyGreenMountainCollege,whichhasmorebusinesscoursesandmorejobcounselorsthandoesMiraVistaCollege,90percentoflastyear'sgraduatingseniorshadjoboffersfromprospectiveemployers.ButatMiraVistaCollegelastyear,only70percentoftheseniorswhoinformedtheplacementofficethattheywouldbeseekingemploymenthadfoundfull-timejobswithinthreemonthsaftergraduation,andonlyhalfofthesegraduateswereemployedintheirmajorfieldofstudy.TohelpMiraVista'sgraduatesfindemployment,wemustoffermorecoursesinbusinessandcomputertechnologyandhireadditionaljobcounselorstohelpstudentswiththeirresumesandinterviewingskills.

Inthisargument,thearguerrecommendsthattohelpMiraVista'sgraduatesfindemploymenttheyshouldoffermorecoursesinbusinessandcomputertechnologyandhireadditionaljobcounselorstohelpstudentswiththeirresumesandinterviewingskills.Tosupporthisconclusion,thearguercitestheexampleofGreenMountainCollegewhichhasmorebusinesscoursesandmorejobcounselorsandhasmorepercentoflastyear'sgraduatingseniorswhohadjoboffersfromprospectiveemployersthanMiraVista.Inaddition,thearguerpointsoutthepoorconditionofMiraVista'sgraduatingemployment.Thisargumentsuffersfromseveralcriticalfallacies.

Inthefirstplace,thearguerfailstoestablishacausalrelationshipbetweenmorebusinesscoursesandjobcounselorsandmoregraduatingseniorswhowillhaveprospectivejoboffers.Ofcourse,businesscourseswillhelpstudentswiththeirknowledgetothesociety,andjobcounselorswillhelptoimprovestudents'resumesandinterviewskills.Butthearguerdoesnottakeintoaccountotherimportantfactorsthatmighteffecttheemployment,suchasindividualmajorsubject,theconditionofthecompany,therequestoftheemployer,etc.Withoutconsideringthesefactors,thearguercouldnotdrawanyconclusionaboutthegraduatingemployment.

Inthesecondplace,thestatisticscitedinthisargumentisvagueandmisleading.Thearguerindicatesthatonly70percentoftheseniorsarethosewhoinformedtheplacementofficethattheywouldbeseekingemploymenthadfoundfull-timejobswithinthreemonthsaftergraduationandonlyhalfofthemwereemployedintheirmajorfieldofstudy.Thearguerignoresthepossibilitythatmanygraduateswhofoundprospectivejobsdidnotreporttothecollege.Incontrast,GreenMountaincollegehad90percentoflastyear'sgraduatingseniorswhohadjoboffers.Perhaps,mostofthose90percenthadfoundpart-timejobsandonlyafewofthemwereemployedintheirmajorfieldofstudy.Thearguerdoesnotprovidethisinformationsothatthestatisticsisinvalid.

Finally,thearguercommitsafallacyoffalseanalogy.ThereisnoguaranteethatfollowingthemeasuresofGreenMountainCollegeofferingmorecoursesinbusinessandhiringadditionalcounselorswillensuretheincreaseofthepercentofgraduateswhocouldfindemployment.Thearguerfailstoconsiderthediversityofbothcollegessuchascurrentcourses,faculty,students,costofofferingadditionalcoursesandhiringcounselors,etc.

Tosumup,thestatisticsandassumptionsdonotlendstrongsupporttothisargument.Tomaketheargumentmoreconvincing,thearguerwouldhavetoprovidemoreconcreteevidenceregardingthesurveyandtheconditionsofstudentsandemployments.IwouldsuspendmyjudgmentabouttherecommendationuntilthearguercanprovethatMiraVistaCollegeisthesameasGreenMountainCollegeatallaspects.Otherwise,theconclusionisineffectiveandmisleading.