求两篇英语笑话，中英翻译！大神们帮帮忙

我还不容易才找到的：

1、 HowmuchEnglishcanyouspeak?YourHonor,Iwanttobringtoyourattentionhowunfairitisformyclienttobeaccusedoftheft.HearrivedinNewYorkCityaweekagoandbarelyknewhiswayaround.What'smore,heonlyspeaksafewwordsofEnglish.Thejudgelookedatthedefendantandasked,HowmuchEnglishcanyouspeak?Thedefendantlookedupandsaid,Givemeyourwallet!中文翻译法官先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。而且他只会说几个英语单词。法官看了看被告，问道：你会说多少英文？被告抬起头，说：把你的钱包给我！2Ahusband,provingtohiswifethatwomentalkmorethanmen,showedherastudywhichindicatedthatmenuseonaverageonly15000wordsaday,whereaswomenuse30000wordsaday.Shethoughtaboutthisforawhileandthentoldherhusbandthatwomenusetwiceasmanywordsasmenbecausetheyhavetorepeateverythingtheysay.Hesaid,What?丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果，为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字，而女人每天使用30000个。妻子想了一会儿说，女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍，因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。他问：什么？3Boy:Isthisseatempty?Girl:Yes,andthisonewillbeifyousitdown.男孩：这个座位是空的么？女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。

4、 Tom,what'sthematterwithyourbrother?askedthemotherinthekitchen.He'scrying.Oh,nothing,Mum,repliedTom.I'meatingmycake.HeiscryingbecauseIwon'tgivehimany.Buthashefinishedhisowncake?Yes.saidTom.AndhealsocriedwhenIwashelpinghimfinishthat.汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？妈妈在厨房里问。他在哭。没事儿妈妈，汤姆答道。我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。他已经吃完自己的了么？是的。我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。2009-6-7Aguysaystohisfriend,GuesshowmanycoinsIhaveinmypocket.Thefriendssays,IfIguessright,willyougivemeoneofthem?Thefirstguyssays,Ifyouguessright,I'llgiveyoubothofthem!路人甲对路人乙说，猜猜我兜里有几个子儿？路人乙说：我猜对了，你能给我一个不？路人甲说：你要猜对了，我两个全部给你！2009-6-6研究生和本科生的区别Icanalwaystellagraduateclassfromanundergraduateclass,saidaninstructoratauniversitygraduateengineeringcourse.WhenIsay'Goodafternoon,'theundergraduatesrespond'Goodafternoon.'Butthegraduatestudentsjustwriteitdown.一个教师在研究生工程学课堂上说：我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。我说'下午好'的时候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。2009-6-5Dad:Tom,pleasetellme,whichmonthhas28days?Tom:Everymonth.爸爸：告诉我汤姆，哪个月有28天呢？汤姆：每个月都有啊！2009-6-4makingfacesFindingoneofherstudentsmakingfacesatothersontheplayground,MsSmithstoppedtogentlyreprimandthechild.Smilingsweetly,theSundayschoolteachersaid,Bobby,whenIwasachildIwastoldifImadeuglyfaces,myfacewouldfreezeandstaylikethat.Bobbylookedupandreplied,Well,MsSmith,youcan'tsayyouweren'twarned.史密斯小姐发现她的一名学生在操场上向别人做鬼脸，便去轻责他。这位主日学校的老师甜甜地微笑着，说：博比，我小的时候，有人告诉我如果我做鬼脸，我的脸就会僵硬，永远都那么丑。博比抬头看了看老师，说：史密斯小姐，你可别说没人警告过你啊。2009-6-3Aguygoestovisithisgrandmaandhebringshisfriendwithhim.Whilehe'stalkingtohisgrandma,hisfriendstartseatingthepeanutsonthecoffeetable,andfinishesthemoff.Asthey'releaving,hisfriendsaystohisgrandma,Thanksforthepeanuts.Shesays,Yeah,sinceIlostmydenturesIcanonlysuckthechocolateoff.一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。当他和祖母聊天时，他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都给吃光了。他们离开时他的朋友对祖母说:谢谢您的花生。结果祖母说:唉！自从我牙齿掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外层的巧克力了。2009-6-2Afatherwastryingtoteachhissontheevilsofalcohol.Heputoneworminaglassofwaterandanotherworminaglassofwhiskey.Theworminthewaterlived,whiletheoneinthewhiskeycurledupanddied.Allright,son,askedthefather,Whatdoesthatshowyou?Well,Dad,itshowsthatifyoudrinkalcohol,youwillnothaveworms.一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。所以儿子啊父亲问道，得出什么结论？恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！2009-6-1Lookingveryunhappy,apoormanenteredadoctor'sconsulting-room.Doctor,hesaid,youmusthelpme.Iswallowedapennyaboutamonthago.Goodheavens,man!saidthedoctor.Whyhaveyouwaitedsolong?Whydon'tyoucometomeonthedayyouswallowedit?Totellyouthetruth,Doctor,thepoormanreplied,Ididn'tneedthemoneysobadlythen.中文翻译：一个看起来很难受的穷人走进大夫的诊室。大夫！他说，帮帮我！一个月前我吞了一分硬币！天哪，大夫说，早干嘛去了？你当时怎么不来看？实话告诉您吧，大夫，穷人说，我当时还不缺钱！2009-5-31Boy:Hi,didn'twegoondatesbefore?Onecortwice?Girl:Must'vebeenonce.Inevermakethesamemistaketwice.男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过，是一次还是两次，我忘记了。女孩：应该只有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。2009-5-30Inanentranceexaminationofaconservatoryofmusic,ateacheraskedoneoftheboys,Whatisthemostimportantphysiologicalqualityofamusician?Tobedeaf,repliedtheboy.Nonsense!saidtheteacherangrily.Why,sir!Don'tyouknowthatthefamousmusicianBeethovenwasdeaf?theboyaskedinreplydisdainfully.在一次音乐学院的入学考试中，老师问其中一个男孩：音乐家最重要的生理素质是什么？耳聋，男孩答道。胡说！老师气愤地说。怎么了先生！难道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音乐家贝多芬是个聋子吗？男孩轻蔑地反问道。2009-5-28Amansatatabar,hadthesaddesthangdogexpression.Bartender:What'sthematter?Areyouhavingtroubleswithyourwife?Theman:Wehadafight,andshetoldmethatshewasn'tgoingtospeaktomeforamonth.Bartender:Thatshouldmakeyouhappy.Theman:No,themonthisuptoday!一个男人坐在酒吧里，伤心至极。酒吧招待：你怎么了？跟老婆闹矛盾了？男人：我们吵了一架，她说一个月都不跟我说话。酒吧招待：那你应该高兴才是啊！男人：不，今天是这个月的最后一天。【Laughter】2009-5-27Awomanworriesaboutthefutureuntilshegetsahusband.Amanneverworriesaboutthefutureuntilhegetsawife.女人找了老公之前都在担忧未来。男人娶了老婆之前从来不为未来担忧。2009-5-26Amanwillpay$2fora$1itemhewants.Awomanwillpay$1fora$2itemthatshedoesn'twant.男人想要的东西，要是值1块钱却卖2块，他也会买；而对于女人，即使是不想要的东西，要是值2块钱却只卖1块，她也会买。2009-5-25Thefemaledormitorywillbeout-of-boundsforallmalestudentsandviceversa.Anybodycaughtbreakingthisrulewillbefined$20thefirsttime.Anybodycaughtbreakingthisrulethe2ndtimewillbefined$60.Beingcaughta3rdtimewillincurafineof$180.Arethereanyquestions?Atthismoment,amalestudentinthecrowdinquires,Umm...Howmuchforaseasonpass?女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入，男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。不论是谁一旦违规，初犯将被罚款20美元。再犯要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罚款。还有什么疑问么？这时人群中一个男同学问道，那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？2009-5-24Boy:CanIbuyyouadrink?Girl:ActuallyI'dratherhavethemoney.男孩：我可以给你买杯饮料吗？女孩：你不如直接把钱给我得了。2009-5-22Doctor:Yourcoughsoundsmuchbettertoday.Patient:Itshould.I'vebeenpracticingallnight.医生：听上去你咳嗽今天好多了。病人：应该如此。我昨晚练习了一整夜。2009-5-21Pete:ThelasttimeIwasouthunting,Isteppedoffahighcliff,andwouldyoubelieveit,whileIwasfallingeveryfooldeedI'deverdonecameintomymind.Bob:Musthavebeenaprettyhighmountainyoufellfrom.皮特：我上次出去打猎，跌下了很高的悬崖，信不信由你，当我跌落的时候，我脑海里浮现了我做过的所有蠢事。鲍勃：你一定是从万丈高山上跌落的吧。2009-5-19Spendingthenightwiththeirgrandparents,2youngboyskneltbesidetheirbedstosaytheirprayersatbedtime.Theyoungerboybeganprayingatthetopofhislungs:IPRAYFORABIKE...IPRAYFORANEWDVD...Hisolderbrothernudgedhimandsaid,Whyareyoushoutingyourprayers?Godisn'tdeaf.Towhichthelittlebrotherreplied,No,butGrandmais!2个男孩与祖父母一起过夜，他们跪在床边做睡前祷告。弟弟声嘶力竭地祈祷:我祈求一辆自行车，一张新DVD……哥哥用肘轻推他:你为什么大喊着祈祷？上帝又不聋。弟弟答道:上帝是不聋，但是奶奶聋。2009-5-18Acopspottedawomandrivingandknittingatthesametime.Comingupbesideher,hesaid,Pullover!No,shereplied,apairofsocks!巡警发现一名妇女边开车边织毛衣，便开车上前，说：靠边停车(套头衫)！不，她回答，是一双袜子！